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12 Things I’ve Noticed about Trump

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He loves his eyes, because he accentuates them by ensuring the rest of his face is a permanent shade of ‘Oompa Loompa Orange’.

These gestures can resemble the actions of someone tweaking an invisible woman’s nipples, or zipping closed a levitating pencil case.

Unless Melanija Knav’s type was always overweight, jowly septuagenarians who watch Fox News and exist on a diet of Diet Coke and cheeseburgers. We all have our kinks.

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© GQ

Who provides neck ties for the world’s tallest man, because Trump must get them from the same place. Or it’s possible Melania spends her days stitching two identical ties together for her husband.

One presumes he must be pretty good at golf (and not working) by this point in his life, but it would be hilarious if he was categorically terrible and people just let him win. Like Kim Jong-il’s famous 11 holes-in-one the first time he played.

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© GQ

… but ghost follicles haunt his head like an orange spectral afterimage.

I feel for his Scottish mother, because she’d have known Trump is a British colloquialism for ‘fart’. So his family’s been especially keen to rebranding TRUMP in the minds of all Americans as meaning ‘rich’. And now, ‘terrible’.

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Photo illustration © The Epoch Times

I’m not sure what Trump did before Twitter was invented in 2006, but will assume he just spent decades waiting for it to come into existence. Maybe he spent his days writing lies on Post-Its and sticking them in public spaces before even e-mail became commonplace?

He only remembers one rule about business: always make a good first impression with a strong, manly handshake. The good news is you’ll never get a ‘wet fish’ handshake from Donald J. Trump, but you’ll unfortunately get your arm yanked out of its socket if you’re not too careful.

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Image © EPA

It’s possibly the only thing he writes by hand, ever. And he fills up about ten rows, using a thick Sharpie. The weird thing is, that signature doesn’t look like it says ‘Donald Trump’. It seems to say ‘Donald Donald’ or something.

A lot. I mean, most of the time. Well, maybe always. Any “truths” he tells are warped to some extent, or use manipulated statistics to achieve a political aim. A half-truth is the best you can expect from him.

There’s a certain flexibility to political campaigning, because you can sometimes get away with talking bullshit and promising the impossible to grab votes. He won the Presidency nearly two years ago, but he still likes to stand behind a podium and lambast “Crooked Hillary” and remind his base of how he won the election. YAWN. In an alternate dimension, there’s an athletic version of Trump who won gold at the Olympics, who’s still jogging around the stadium posing for selfies with disinterested staff.

Anyway, Trump is in Britain now. Let’s be respectful.

Written by

Freelance writer and TV addict raised on films • If you’d like to support my work, www.buymeacoffee.com/danowen

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