12 Things I’ve Noticed about Trump
1. Trump has small puffy eyes, resembling the bleached prolapsed anus of two albino cats.
He loves his eyes, because he accentuates them by ensuring the rest of his face is a permanent shade of ‘Oompa Loompa Orange’.
2. Trump makes funny hand gestures when he talks, so would presumably be unable to talk if someone broke both his arms. Just saying.
These gestures can resemble the actions of someone tweaking an invisible woman’s nipples, or zipping closed a levitating pencil case.
3. Trump is punching above his weight with ex-fashion model wife Melania. And he weighs a LOT.
Unless Melanija Knav’s type was always overweight, jowly septuagenarians who watch Fox News and exist on a diet of Diet Coke and cheeseburgers. We all have our kinks.
4. Trump has very long ties, which are so lengthy they must be purchased from a specialist.
Who provides neck ties for the world’s tallest man, because Trump must get them from the same place. Or it’s possible Melania spends her days stitching two identical ties together for her husband.
5. Trump likes slacking. I mean, uh, playing golf.
One presumes he must be pretty good at golf (and not working) by this point in his life, but it would be hilarious if he was categorically terrible and people just let him win. Like Kim Jong-il’s famous 11 holes-in-one the first time he played.
6. Trump’s hair died in 1984…
… but ghost follicles haunt his head like an orange spectral afterimage.
7. Trump loves the name TRUMP.
I feel for his Scottish mother, because she’d have known Trump is a British colloquialism for ‘fart’. So his family’s been especially keen to rebranding TRUMP in the minds of all Americans as meaning ‘rich’. And now, ‘terrible’.
8. Trump is on Twitter. Did you know?
I’m not sure what Trump did before Twitter was invented in 2006, but will assume he just spent decades waiting for it to come into existence. Maybe he spent his days writing lies on Post-Its and sticking them in public spaces before even e-mail became commonplace?
9. Trump loves a strong hand shake.
He only remembers one rule about business: always make a good first impression with a strong, manly handshake. The good news is you’ll never get a ‘wet fish’ handshake from Donald J. Trump, but you’ll unfortunately get your arm yanked out of its socket if you’re not too careful.
10. Trump loves signing his name.
It’s possibly the only thing he writes by hand, ever. And he fills up about ten rows, using a thick Sharpie. The weird thing is, that signature doesn’t look like it says ‘Donald Trump’. It seems to say ‘Donald Donald’ or something.
11. Trump lies.
A lot. I mean, most of the time. Well, maybe always. Any “truths” he tells are warped to some extent, or use manipulated statistics to achieve a political aim. A half-truth is the best you can expect from him.
12. Trump loves campaigning.
There’s a certain flexibility to political campaigning, because you can sometimes get away with talking bullshit and promising the impossible to grab votes. He won the Presidency nearly two years ago, but he still likes to stand behind a podium and lambast “Crooked Hillary” and remind his base of how he won the election. YAWN. In an alternate dimension, there’s an athletic version of Trump who won gold at the Olympics, who’s still jogging around the stadium posing for selfies with disinterested staff.
Anyway, Trump is in Britain now. Let’s be respectful.